Bond to the Future

Author’s note: Just thought I’d whip this up for a little fun. I wrote it very quickly, so please don’t be too hard on me.  I decided to do a throwback to the novel for You Only Live Twice for a certain plot point. I just though it would be fun to imagine 1985 James Bond as portrayed by Roger Moore engaged in time travel plot as tribute to Back the Future.  It’s just a bit of frivolous fun.

It’s a little known fact that after the events of 1985’s A View to a Kill, James Bond (Roger Moore) travelled forward in time to the year 2015. Much of the screenplay has been lost, but this brief snippet is the only surviving portion. Upon returning from San Francisco after defeating Max Zorin, Bond reported to MI6 Headquarters for debriefing when he stumbled upon Q (Desmond Llewelyn) just outside the Q Branch Laboratory.  What follows are the scenes with M., Q, and Miss Moneypenny.  The rest of the screenplay has vanished from existence . . . perhaps thankfully if you’re feeling unkind.

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Bond: What the devil is this, Q?

Q: Glad you asked 007.  It’s a time machine, and as it happens I’ve been instructed by M. to send you to the year 2015.

Bond: You must be joking.

Q: How many times do I have to tell you!  I never joke about my work, 007! Step inside and I’ll show you how it works.

Bond steps inside the vehicle

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Bond: Are you telling me you made a time machine out of a DeLorean?

Q: I figured that if I was going to make a time machine out of a car, why not do it with style?

Bond: I’d much prefer a Lotus Esprit rather than this tin container, thank you very much.

Q: Let’s get one thing straight, 007. I design things and you wreck them.  For God’s sake, I let you do your job, now let me do mine. Now, here’s how it works. Turn the time circuits on like this. This one tells you where you are, this one tells you where you’re going. This one tells you where you were.  Input your destination into this key pad and drive the vehicle. Once you achieve the speed of 88 miles per hour, you will notice a reaction and the vehicle will travel to this precise destination in time.

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Bond: Sounds simple enough. Let’s get started.

M: You’ll find M’s mission briefing inside. Good luck 007.

Bond drives the vehicle outside the lab reaching the speed of 88MPH soon afterwards.  The vehicle vanishes from 1985 and enters the year 2015 . . . Q (Ben Whishaw) and Eve Moneypenny (Naomi Harris)greet him outside MI6 Headquarters.

Miss Moneypenny: James, thank goodness you’ve come.

Bond: Do I know you?

Miss Moneypenny: Why yes, I believe you worked with my great aunt during your time with the Double O section. My name is Eve . . . Eve Moneypenny.

Q: And I’m your new quartermaster.

Bond: You’ve still got spots

Q: You were expecting an old man in a lab coat? I could do more damage in my pajamas in the morning before my first cup of earl grey than you can in 30 years in the field.

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Bond: Then what do you need me for?

Q: It’s your kids.  Something’s gotta be done about your kids.

Bond: I’ve got kids?

Miss Moneypenny:  You didn’t think you could fornicate with just about every skirt you encountered around the world and not have children. Did you even bother using protection?

Bond: You wouldn’t know, Miss Moneypenny, but I always know when to pull out.

Enter M. (Ralph Fiennes)

M.: Not when it came to a certain Kissy Suzuki if you recall that Japanese mission.

Bond: Ah yes . . . well it was the least I could do for her after curing my impotence I suppose.

M.: Yes, well the toad oil she served with your food worked only too well and you are now the father of one James Suzuki.

Bond: Why can’t you just get the present day me to help you out?

Q: Hello, Bond. Anybody home? Think, Bond think.  You’re 88 years old now; hardly in any shape to take on the world.

Bond: You must realize that your predecessor was never this snarky.

Q: In 2015, everyone makes a habit of being jaded and sarcastic. Don’t take it personally. I’d stay away from the internet if I were you.

M.: Enough, Q. Now, listen Bond. I believe that your son has been kidnapped by one Franz Oberhauser.  You always meant a lot to my predecessor’s predecessor and he suspected that one day you may need the kind of help that only you could provide.   You’ll find all the details you need in the mission briefing from the M. from the past who you already know. Good luck, 007. Don’t cock it up.

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Bond then speeds off in the DeLorean to meet his fate.. . . The rest of the screenplay has been lost forever. . . Perhaps it’s for the best . .

P.S. This was just a quick thing I wrote for the James Bond Radio podcast website. I just recreated the piece here for your amusement.

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